Review: Crye Precision G4 Combat Pants
Summary: Stick to the G3's
Finally, pants that honor America's greatest values: Diversity and inclusion! The new slimmer fit is specifically designed for transgenders, as it has no room for ball sacks. It is also a celebration of the #MeToo movement, as it facilitates castration in greater ranges of motion, thereby effectively cutting down on sexual harassment of all genders, and now integrating SHARP and SAPR in every pair. The streamlined design, more consistent with the gay European Arc'teryx LEAF pants, will compliment any gay pride or metrosexual fashion statement, thereby expanding Crye's demographics.
The pockets have been redesigned to avoid fashion faux pas so they never look bulky ever again. This is primarily achieved by ensuring you limit what you can carry. Modern "combat", thanks to women influence, should be about diplomacy, discussion, and understanding. Who needs mags for that? The entire pants now have a stretch to them, so you can wear them at the trendiest gyms in downtown LA without being an eye sore among all these Lululemon outfits.
The new matching knee pads now also integrate, at no extra cost, Crime Scene Investigation features, collecting and indefinitely storing anything you may ever kneel into, from goat shit/semen slime, to blood and gun powder. To be proven quite handy when you are facing a congressional inquiry 20 years down the road, debating whether or not that Haji truly intended to shoot you in the face, and whether rehabilitation wouldn't have been a better option than shooting him.
And, because as any operator would know, there is reliable cell coverage in every cave in Afghanistan, there is now a designated cell pocket with a zipper. This allows SEALs to both store their phone separately from hair gel, while finally being allowed to take selfies in all possible locales, giving them more options to select the cover of their next heroic novel.
Overall, great improvements on otherwise perfectly fine G3 combat pants, in line with the ever greater times we live in!